Infatuation
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: Does Shuichi really love Yuki? And does Yuki really love Shuichi? Or will Shuichi find what he's looking for in the arms of another...
1. Ch 1

Disclaimer: Gravitation belongs to Murakami-sama. ^_^v But I'll always obsess over it as if it were...  
  
I had wondered for a long time if Yuki really loved me...  
  
...only to find out all this time...  
  
Did I really love him?  
  
Infatuation  
by Miyamoto Yui  
  
Chapter 1 - Kurai. (Darkness.)  
  
"Yuuki~!" I whined sadly as I tugged on his sleeve for about the thousandth time that night. "Please? Let's do something together."  
"No, Shuichi." He said without stopping his fingers from typing despite my pulling. "I have to get this finished."  
"That's what you said yesterday. Aren't you almost finished anyway?" I said as I sighed.  
He didn't say anything.   
  
I don't know if he's lying or he just doesn't want to spend time with me...  
  
After another sigh, I left the room hurt as usual. "It wasn't like I was asking much this time."  
"It takes a lot..." he trailed off as he mumbled to himself. But I didn't want to hear it. I just closed the door quietly behind me.  
Then, I leaned on the wall for a moment and looked up to the ceiling trying not to cry.  
  
Hey, at least he didn't scream at me like last time...  
"Uruse!" he had shouted to my face the last time...  
yesterday...  
  
Pushing myself off, I shuffled my feet to the living room and plopped myself on the couch. Again, I stared at the ceiling before me.  
"Oh, there's that crack right there..." I had said to myself.  
  
Yuki had thrown something the other time he wanted me to shut up. And it had left an imprint on the ceiling...  
That wasn't the only place he had left an imprint...  
  
I looked at the tiny scar left on my side. By accident, the glass shard had flown in my direction and I had started to cry. He thought I was whining and wanted me to be quiet even more until I tried to pick out the glass.  
He then came to me and took it out himself.  
  
Looking at him, I had thought, "Despite everything, he always feels bad in the end."  
  
That night, I turned over to one side of the bed to stare at the wall. My eyes adjusted themselves to the darkness and I started to cry silent tears.  
I didn't know what to do. It wasn't on purpose, but still...  
  
"Ow..." I whispered as Yuki wrapped his arm around me and at the place where he had put bandaging on.  
  
It was a sign...maybe...of the way we were...  
he putting his arm where it most hurt...  
  
Then, he whispered in my ear, "Gomen."  
  
It was a word he rarely used.  
It was a word he only said when he was truly sorry for what he had done.  
  
And it made me wonder how many times would he do this to me...  
make me think this way...  
get me confused as to if it were my fault or not...  
  
I didn't know anymore.  
  
All I knew as the person who was now kissing me was showing the emotion I wish he would show...  
...when there was light outside...  
  
...and not in this deep darkness...  
...this abyss where I didn't know if it was sincere.  
  
But still those warm hands were reaching out to me...  
as my heart receeded within itself.  
  
Was I really needed...or wanting to be needed?  
  
--  
Author's note: I don't know whether I want this to be long or short, but we'll see.   
I've always wanted to explore those questions I've had: was it an infatuation or is it real as I want it to seem? Hiro looks more of Shuichi's type, but Yuki's the one that he likes. And I love this inner conflict. Infinite possibilities unlike Ryuichi and Tatsuha. I love this pairing even more, but you must present more into their relationship...  
then again, this is just me.  
Besides, I've come back to Shuichi and I think I'm now comfortable enough to do his character without doubting as much as to what to write compared to the first fanfic I did for Gravi, which is still my favorite along with Fallen Angel/Nagareboshi. 


	2. Ch 2

Disclaimer: Gravitation belongs to Murakami-sensei.  
  
Infatuation  
by Miyamoto Yui  
  
Chapter 2 - Kotae. (Answer.)  
  
So lost in thought, I fell asleep on the couch. But then, I heard some shuffling of feet. As I opened my eyes, there was Yuki reaching down to carry me. "You baka."  
  
And this was supposed to be endearment?  
  
But he was smiling a bit and that made me feel so much better as I let him carry me back to the bedroom. "You know I can't go to sleep without you talking to me..." he whispered not really knowing that I was awake at all.  
  
It were times like these that I really questioned his feelings for me. And my moods swung as fast as his actions towards me. Maybe he was doing this out of guilt? I dunno.  
  
As he laid me on the bed, he began to take off his shirt and pants to change into his pajamas. There he was yawning and rubbing his eyes like a lost little kid in the middle of the night.   
Well, it was already 4 o'clock when I glanced at the watch.  
  
"Yuki?" I mumbled.  
  
As he came into bed, he blinked his eyes and said, "Nani?"  
I cupped my hands together and just looked at him. "Nothing..."  
"Ah." He lifted his head as usual to comply and positioned himself for sleep.  
I curled up next to him and whispered, "Ne, Yuuki~?"  
"Nani?" he sleepily replied. "Just ask already."  
"I..." but I couldn't say it. I didn't know how to say it...  
He turned off the light, but I could still see his face as he looked at me. Putting his hand on my cheek, he asked again, "Nani?"  
  
Then, for no reason, I started to cry as he did that.  
  
Alarmed, he looked at me worriedly. "What? What did I do this time?"  
  
Always so guilty...  
So guilty of hurting me...  
  
"Is it because I didn't go with you today?" He then held me closer and said, "Okay...then we'll go later."  
I smiled, but I was still crying.  
"I don't understand why are you crying." he continued to get upset as well as irritated.  
Kissing his cheek, I ran my fingers through his hair and said, "Sorry...it was nothing. Oyasumi."  
Turning around, about two minutes later, he began to breathe deeply. And I knew he was asleep.  
  
But there I stayed awake like many other nights.  
And like so many other nights, being unable to go to sleep, I tucked Yuki in with the sheets and left to go to the living room. As I sat on the couch once again, I shook my head and found myself taking my coat and putting on my shoes for a walk outside.  
  
But I sighed as I heard the crickets begin to chirp.   
  
I don't know where to go...  
Who to ask why Yuki is like this to me...  
  
So, after a long time of walking, I knocked on the one person who was closest to answering any of this...  
  
"Ne? Hiro?" I knocked on the door. "Ne?"  
He rubbed his eyes as he opened the door. "Osu."  
I began to hold my fists in frustration and so I began to shake. Immediately, he took a hold of my arms. "Oi, nan desu ka? Daijoubu? Oi, Shuichi!"  
I then looked up to him and found myself crying for the millionth time because of Yuki's misgivings...his shortcomings that seemed to last so long inside of me...  
  
I can only cry so freely with you, Hiro.  
Yuki would have shut me up again, if it were there in the apt...  
  
He again sighed and shook his head. "I don't know what to do with you..."  
Then, he began to pat my head and pushed me inside. With his two warm hands, he pushed me to the couch, but I didn't want to sit down.   
  
I have always loved your balcony.   
  
I walked over to the balcony and leaned on the railing. Watching the sun rising, I put my hand over my forehead to block the light.  
  
And once again, another day begins...  
It just happened to be the day that Yuki had looked at me for the first time...  
...with that cold look and lips that told me, "No talent."  
  
Again, tears began to emerge and I began to sob.  
  
Hiro was there with orange juice for me to drink but he then took my shoulders. "You. Just cry here."  
He then hugged me and I think for the millionth time he had sighed.  
  
Was it because of Yuki?  
Or was it me?  
But...but I just chose to be with Yuki...so does that make this any better, Hiro?  
  
I couldn't quite put my feelings to words. That's why I was so terrible with lyrics...  
  
"Shuichi, why are you crying?" He patted my back. "Yuki do something, AGAIN?"  
"Kind of..."  
  
That was the first time that Yuki or I hadn't done something to each other directly. There was no fighting.  
It was just me thinking...  
  
"He didn't want to go with me anywhere yesterday." I just said.  
But Hiro, being the best friend that probably knew more about me than I knew about me, shook his head. "You're lying to me, Shuichi."  
"I..."  
"You're really crying right now. You're not whining...and you're actually quiet." He then let go of me and lifted up my chin. "You better tell me, Shuichi. Or Yuki will hear from me again."  
  
I then smiled and laughed.  
  
Leave it to Hiro to really understand and love me like a true best friend...  
  
"What?" He then began to smile. "You think I can't take him."  
I then punched his arm. "Maybe...it's the other way around."  
Then, I turned around.  
He mumbled in shocked, "Shuichi..."  
  
After a long silence, I finally whispered,"I...I just want to know why Yuki is like this to me. I want to know why it's always like this. What's important to him is important to me, but when it's important to me, he sometimes doesn't think it's important...  
  
I want to know..." but I couldn't finish.  
  
"What do you want, Shuichi?"   
"I don't know. I really don't know, Hiro." I looked at him and leaned my arms on the railing. "If I knew, do you think I'd be here trying to ask you a question that I should be asking Yuki?"  
  
I wouldn't be asking at all...that's for sure...  
if it were with Yuki...  
  
I wanted so much to ask, "Why do you always do this to me?"  
  
Do you really love me...  
  
I think that was the underlying question, but was too afraid of the answer I'd get...  
  
--  
Author's note: Yes, it's been a long time but I think I'll pick up the pace in a month. 


	3. Ch 3

Disclaimer: Gravitation isn't mine. Is that an okay disclaimer?  
  
Infatuation  
by Miyamoto Yui  
  
Chapter 3 - Nandemo. (Anything.)  
  
Hiro just shook his head and made me drink the orange juice he had poured out for me. I took it from his hand and drank it in one gulp while wiping my mouth with the back of my hand.  
"Maybe..." he said. "Maybe you can't ask me or Yuki. But you can ask, Uesugi-san? He's lived with Yuki all these years. Maybe he'll at least have a clue for what you're looking for."  
  
My eyes became wide with delight. "Yeah!"  
I then jumped into Hiro's arms in my chibi form and began to shake my head on his chest. "You genius! I knew I could count on you, Hiro!!!!"  
Then, he looked down at me and smiled. "Well, of course. How would I be your Hiro if I wasn't?"  
"Oh, Hiro, thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you!" I glomped him again.  
  
I knew he would give me an answer...  
even if it wasn't the answer itself, he always gave me a hint.  
  
  
But before I could even call him, someone interrupted me and began to knock at the door.  
There stood Tatsuha with a sly smile.  
  
Yuki missed me already...  
but he couldn't do it himself...  
  
"Yo." Tatsuha lifted up his hand and almost looked like was saluting me. But then again, I found him watching me from foot to head.  
Tilting my head, I looked at him as he still stood in the doorway. Shaking my head, I threated, "I'll slam the door to your face if you jump me again. For the last time, I am NOT Ryuichi!"  
Laughing lightly, he smiled at me. "No, you are not."  
But knowing our unholy priest, he had a tone that represented otherwise.  
  
"Come on, let's go." Tatsuha said as he placed his hands again into his jacket pockets.  
"Yuki couldn't have done it himself, couldn't he?" I mumbled as I looked at Tatsuha. "It's just like him."  
And I was very disappointed at that. Very disappointed in him. I shouldn't have expected more. Even getting this far was pretty good.  
"Yes, but the messenger can be just as cute to his brother's lover who happens to be Ryuichi's look-alike?" Tatsuha said bluntly as he smiled.  
I laughed at that and then said to Tatsuha, "Okay, give me a moment."  
Closing the door, I ran to Hiro and kissed him on the cheek as I got my jacket. "Thanks, Hiro!" I shouted as I took a piece of toast from his coffee table."  
As I passed by him again, he messed up my pink hair and said as always with that reassuring voice, "No problem, Shuichi. Anytime."  
But as I was going to close the door, I saw his lips say, "You know I love you, Shuichi."  
Though he wasn't looking at me as he said this, I mumbled back without him seeing, "I know. I do too, Hiro."  
But the way things were, I didn't want anything more from Hiro. I think I would break him if I did...  
  
...because I knew he'd do anything for me.  
  
--  
Author's note: Shu and Hiro! That's it...that's how it should be! 


	4. Ch 4

Disclaimer: Gravitation is held by Murakami-sensei.  
  
  
Infatuation  
by Miyamoto Yui  
  
Chapter 4 - Silent.  
  
As Tatsuha and I found ourselves in a local cafe, he took off his jacket as I took off mine.  
  
I looked out the window at the clouds overhead. It wasn't so sunny anymore and I was depressed at that. Even the sun wouldn't shine. What have I got to say for that?  
  
"Come back home, Shuichi." Tatsuha said as he leaned back on his chair with a serious tone.   
"Did Yuki really say that?" I replied with a bit of hope, but trying to not make it look like I was really riding on that remark.  
"No, but that's the gist."  
I slumped back onto my side of the booth. "He can't even say it."  
"He's not the type." Tatsuha said as he crossed his arms. "But isn't enough that he called me all the way in Kyoto to come here, tug on my shirt and clear his throat to say, 'Get Shuichi'?"  
  
My heart skipped a beat. I didn't know what to say. This was a bit of progress, wasn't it?   
But if I went back now, it would always be the same thing. We'd fight, we'd make up.  
  
I was so sick of this.  
  
Looking Tatsuha straight in the eye, I said, "No, not anymore."  
I clenched my fists. I knew what this meant. This slight rebellion was an unsure thing...like Yuki's moods.  
Shaking, I smiled wistfully as tears began to crowd my eyes. "That's not enough."  
Looking up, before we had even gotten to order, I got up. "That's not enough..."  
  
It was then that Tatsuha gave me this face...  
A sad face...  
  
I couldn't stand it...  
  
  
I then found myself running away from him.  
  
  
That's what it always came down to, ne? I always ran away. When it was from Yuki, it was to Hiro that I would go. And where would I go if I didn't want to go to Hiro? I would go home.  
But I didn't want to go home.  
  
Looking up to my apartment, I walked up the stairs and put in my key into the keyhole. Turning it, I just heard the clicking on the laptop.  
  
Silence.  
  
There was no 'hey, I missed you' or 'where did you go?' Nothing.  
Just as I had expected from Yuki.  
If it had been Hiro, it would have been a lecture and then a hug that said, 'You idiot! I'm glad you're all right! But you're still an idiot!'  
Then, he would cry a little...like that time I got so mad that slipped and twisted my ankle in the rain to find Hiro had not slept for three days to look for me...  
  
Passing by Yuki's office, I went straight into the bedroom and packed up.  
He didn't even come to get me...  
He got Tatsuha to get me...  
  
Even until now, that face is bugging me...  
  
I lifted up my bag with a sigh and passed by his office again. He didn't deserve a bye from me, but with my head bent, in a small whisper, I said, "Sayonara, Yuki."  
  
Closing the door behind me, I waited there for a few seconds almost wanting him to burst through that door to catch me...  
My eyes began to light up as I heard a doorknob turn...  
  
...but it was just the neighbor...  
  
I...I can't take this...  
  
Running down the stairs and out the building, I began to cry harder with the pouring rain. Screaming inside my head, I repeated, "Stupid, Yuki!!!!!!!! You'll miss me! I know you will!!!!!!"  
  
At that moment, I tripped and began to pick up my wet things with blurry eyes when someone had put their umbrella over me. When I looked up towards the streetlamp, there stood Tatsuha.  
And he bent down to help me pick my stuff as he took my whole body with it.  
  
"Put me down!" I shouted.  
"You twisted your foot, Shuichi-san," he mumbled as he held me closer.   
  
There I pouted but I blinked my eyes as my body began to react to the exhaustion of the day's events, I looked at Tatsuha and mumbled. "Arigatou."  
He then, held me closer. "Don't worry about it."  
  
You're very warm, Tatsuha...  
  
Unlike Yuki...  
very unlike Yuki...  
  
--  
Author's note: Still trying to figure out what to do... 


	5. Ch 5

Disclaimer: Gravitation belongs to Murakami Maki-sama.  
  
Infatuation  
by Miyamoto Yui  
  
  
Chapter 5 - Sagasu. (To find.)  
  
Blinking my eyes, I softly said, "Yuki..."  
  
But instinctively, I knew it wasn't. I knew everything about that boy. His smell...the way he fell asleep to how he held his coffee cup.  
  
I was only deceiving myself...  
  
Smiling, the face, which I was sure was not my Yuki's at all, looked down on me. "I'm sorry, but I'm not Yuki Ni-chan."  
  
I know...  
I know that very well.  
  
Feeling my forehead, Tatsuha commented, "You're sick, Shuichi-san."  
  
"How long have I been asleep?"  
"Three days straight." Then, he looked towards the window. "And the rain still hasn't ended.  
  
I looked at him and around the room in silence.  
That's right. It should be still raining.  
  
Lifting himself up, I couldn't believe that he had just sat there and had taken care of me all this time. He had laid his arms on his own bed and slept there on the chair...  
  
I had taken so much of my energy and look where it got me? I didn't want to live like this anymore.   
I know I wasn't the easiest person to figure out, but I never asked people much. And I never asked what they couldn't give.  
  
I pushed myself to the limit. But this time, I cared. I cared a lot...  
  
Then, I glanced at Tatsuha who happened to be also looking at me at that moment.  
  
"Stop looking at me like that, Tatsuha-san." I scolded as I turned to my side unable to hold my silence any longer.  
  
He's feeling sorry for me. That's why he's so nice to me...  
  
He got up and got me some soup to drink.  
And it was then that when I gasped in pain that I realized that I had also twisted my wrist when I fell down the staircase...which was why I had tripped in the rain when I suddenly let go of my bag from the pain...  
  
"I can feed myself." I stubbornly said.  
But shaking his head, Tatsuha took the bowl and the spoon to feed me. "You don't seem to realize that you're a very important person, Shuichi-san."  
Swallow. "Huh? What do you mean?"  
"All this time, you keep on looking at my brother to ask if he needs you." He looked straight at me as he fed me. "But isn't that something you're really asking yourself?"  
  
Geh.  
He was good...  
  
I looked down to the blanket in front of me. "I never do anything right...I can't make song lyrics...I can't sing well..."  
It was then that Tatsuha put down the soup bowl and suddenly hugged me. "You're so stupid, Shuichi-san."  
"Exactly...that's what I've been hearing." I sarcastically answered.  
  
Yuki always made me feel like he never needed me.   
He could have lived life without me. So, why does he still keep me around?  
Was it because he didn't want to hurt me than he already had? I...I don't understand...  
  
As I blankly looked in front of me, I said, "Tatsuha-san is so warm..."  
  
"You are needed. You don't realize that there are so many people whose lives have changed because this pink genki ball came and shouted at them..." He held me tighter.  
I didn't understand why he was holding me though, but I felt very safe there...  
  
It was then that I noticed he had changed my clothes and gave me his own...  
Maybe I was too touched...  
  
I don't know...  
I really don't know if Yuki would have done that...  
  
  
It wasn't because on the rebound...  
or that I was feeling so much self-pity...  
  
"I didn't hug you that day because you looked like Ryuichi..." he whispered to my ear. Looking at me, we touched forehead to forehead. "I liked you because you were Shuichi."  
  
I looked at him in shock. As he leaned forward to kiss me, I leaned back a bit but as he kissed me, I felt warm all over.  
Taking off my shirt, he whispered warmly to ear, "I don't why I love you..."  
  
My eyes opened wider.  
  
Where did that come from?  
  
This was what I had wanted...  
I can't describe why or what...  
  
but I had found what I searched for so long...  
Something that couldn't be found in Yuki or Hiro...  
  
Kissing Tatsuha back, I closed my eyes and laid my head on the pillow...  
  
I wasn't going to protest...  
No, not to something that had been impossible to find...  
  
...myself.  
  
It was then that he whispered, "Why...Why is it that my brother always gets to have what I want first?"  
  
"Yuki?" I couldn't understand a bit...  
  
What are you trying to say, Tatsuha?  
  
"This time...this time I will fight back..." he mumbled as he kissed me even harder on the lips.  
  
I opened my eyes and then closed them again...  
  
This...this is what I had been looking for...  
  
--  
Author's note: It's kind of weird, but I hope it's okay... 


	6. Ch 6

Disclaimer: The song used is by Culture Club and the manga used is by Maki Murakami. Neither are mine, but used them and hope you enjoy how I did so.  
  
Infatuation  
by Miyamoto Yui  
  
Chapter 6 - Do you really want to hurt me?  
  
For many days, I stayed with Tatsuha as everyone was dying to find me. They wondered where I had been, or who I had been with since Tatsuha had lied about not seeing me after the cafe incident.  
As those people left his doorstep, I held him tighter as I cried.  
  
I was almost afraid that they would take me away.   
  
  
But...Everything was silent.   
  
For a moment, there was peace. None of this insecurity that had plagued me relentlessy for months.  
It wasn't perfect...no, it wasn't. Tatsuha had some habits as I that we couldn't stand like the way I got too zealous over singing and sang in the shower at any time of the day. Or the way he would watch Ryuichi videos and then look at me with these hungry eyes that wouldn't let me say no...and well, um, wear me out...hee hee hee.   
  
And so, after many calls, I finally made it to the station for our live performance.  
"Where were you?!" Hiro and the others asked.  
"Just thinking." They nodded their heads in relief and nodded among themselves. "Another fight with Yuki, ne? Mmhm!"  
I facefaulted and shouted, "Why does it always come to that?!"  
"Because it always does."  
  
As we set up the stage, Tatsuha sat in the back row and crossed his arms. I smiled in his direction and looked down to avoid any more eye contact.  
I remember the time we had been a tv studio before and he pretended to be Yuki...  
...and ended up kissing me on the lips.  
  
Embarrassingly, I blushed because I liked that kiss...but would never admit it...  
even though I later found out it wasn't from Yuki at all...  
  
"And today's guests are 'Bad Luck!'" the announcer said as the crowd shouted and squealed in response.  
  
I then said, "Thanks for having us today. What we're going to perform is a song that was done long ago..."  
  
"But of course, we put our sound in it and hope you like it," I continued. I looked straight into the camera with a smile and a wink, "This song is for you. And you know who you are."  
  
"This is Bad Luck's rendition of 'Do you really want to hurt me?'"  
  
  
The fast tempo played through Suguru-san's synthesizer..  
  
"[whisper] Give me time  
To realize my crime  
Let me love and steal  
I have danced inside your eyes.  
How can I be real?"  
  
(Then, Hiro's guitar protruded... and I sang my heart out...)  
  
"Do you really want to hurt me?  
Do you really want to make me cry?  
Precious kisses, words that burn me  
Lovers never ask you why  
In my heart the fire is burning  
choose my color   
find a star  
precious people always tell me  
That's a step,   
a step too far  
  
Do you really want to hurt me?  
Do you really want to make me cry?  
Do you really want to hurt me?  
Do you really want to make me cry?  
  
Words that I feel that I have spoken  
I could waste a thousand years  
Wrapped in sorrow words are token  
come inside and catch my tears  
you've been talking but believe me  
if its true you do not know  
this boy loves without a reason  
I'm prepared to let you go.  
If it's love you want from me  
then take it away  
everything's not what you see  
it's over today.  
  
Do you really want to hurt me?  
Do you really want to make me cry?  
Do you really want to hurt me?  
Do you really want to make me cry?  
  
  
Do you really want to hurt me?  
Do you really want to make me cry...?"  
  
  
At that moment, like the man of the shadows, I saw Yuki leaning back on the wall to the farthest corner of the studio. My eyes became wide and my heart raced faster and faster within my chest.  
I couldn't breathe and I heard the mic's sharp squeak as it hit the ground...  
  
It was then that all the turmoil inside of me clashed together...  
  
  
While reaching out to him, I whispered, "Yuki?"  
  
  
...and I fainted.  
  
--  
Author's note: This is really really hard...trying to find what I want to do! *tearing her heart out* 


	7. Ch 7

Disclaimer: Gravitation isn't mine, but Murakami Maki-sama's! ^_^v  
The song is L'arc's too.  
  
Infatuation  
by Miyamoto Yui  
  
Chapter 7 - Forbidden Lover.  
  
Scared, I could hear everything as we entered the ER, but as I laid in a stretcher to one side of the small hall, there was no one around me.  
  
Huff, huff...  
  
I could feel the oxygen mask on my face. But I also felt like I couldn't breathe no matter how calm I seemed at that moment.  
  
A woman waiting for her child glanced at me and that's when I began to want to cry. Even though I did not sob, droplets of water came from the sides of my eyes as I thought, "Where is Tatsuha? I want Tatsuha here...I want Tatsuha here...I want..."  
It was then that Tatsuha's face appeared before mine and he held my hand while running his hands through my hair. "Are you okay?"  
That's when I began to really sob aloud.  
  
"No...not at all..." I answered weakly.  
  
  
Like a little kid, all my tears were on my eyelids, and everything was so blurry because I was lying down. He began to wipe my face with a cloth. "Don't worry, Shuichi. I'm here."  
I looked up at him with pleading eyes.  
  
What do I do?  
Why is it that I feel so guilty? Should I have called for Hiro? Yuki?  
I don't know...  
  
Wakanai yo.  
  
"He's just under a lot of stress. It was just an anxiety attack," the doctor had said while Tatsuha sat in the room. "Plus, I don't think he's been eating as much as he should. Please make sure he gets lots of rest and food."  
Tatsuha bowed to the doctor. "Arigatou gozaimashita."  
Turning to me, he let out a sigh of relief. As the doctor left, I sat at the side of the bed and walked out of the room.  
  
But what was waiting outside of the hospital? Though we were leaving through the back, there were still hordes of cameras and microphones...they made me cringe into a little ball and I felt even more sick. So I nestled next to Tatsuha's chest as he carried me with a blanket over my body.  
With all the flashing and my blurry eyes, I could see from the sides of my eyes that they had bombarded Hiro, Sakano-san...everyone.  
They bombarded my friends. And I could see Hiro on the other side trying to reason it out, but with no success.   
  
And there stood the anxiety attack starter not too far off...  
  
Yuki was watching from some distance away. He was leaning on a lamppost smoking a cigarette. The smoke rose slowly into the air around him and spread like a ghost trying to find a shape.  
When he saw me, he turned around and dropped his cigarette on the ground while crushing it under his feet thus putting it out. Again, he was walking away from me.  
  
I want to see your face, Yuki.  
How do you look at me now? What are you feeling?  
  
But through all the commotion inside my head and my heart, I clenched my eyes and then opened them to find a very scary Tatsuha scanning the crowd. With a death glare paralleling that of his older brother, he icily threatened, "Just stop! WON'T YOU ALL JUST SHUT UP?!"  
The crowd began to simmer and it suddenly became quiet. "Someone's hurt and tired. There's nothing to see, all right? Shuichi's human like everyone else. Just leave him _alone_ for now."  
With a tone even lower and rolling under his tongue, he added, "Or else."  
The crowd parted and Tatsuha held me closer in my blanket as we walked through.  
  
I clung onto Tatsuha while my eyes again crunched themselves until they hurt. I didn't want to look at anything anymore. I didn't want to see anyone.  
Inside, I found myself shaking and there was Tatsuha hanging onto me as if he would never let go. Even in the taxicab he wouldn't let me go as he sighed and looked out the window.  
Tokyo was floating by in lines and lights, I knew. But there I was looking up at him as I leaned my head upon his chest hearing his heartbeat.  
Doki, doki.  
The driver shrugged probably at this unusual site, but he didn't say anything. I'd figure if I were being paid and there was nothing too weird happening...then well, I'd be quiet too.  
The silence...  
  
This silence was not disturbing. It was peaceful.  
  
As he paid, I struggled to sit up and finally walk by myself but Tatsuha wouldn't have it. He scooped me up and held me as close as he could while going up the elevator. It didn't matter that there were how many people looking at us or what a strange site this had become. A pink haired person barely visible under a blanket being carried by a sixteen-year-old boy, whom they probably didn't know was a monk.  
  
As the door closed behind us, he laid me on the bed. My arms were so weak that I looked like I was being crucified the way they were spread out over the bed with the blanket softly on my back. Tatsuha looked at me as he placed his hands on the sides of my shoulders. I could feel the warmth permeating through his body.  
Those eyes looked down at me as I blinked up at them. We were there for a few minutes with nothing to say.  
  
"Tatsuha?" I finally said in a squeak that I had barely recognized as my voice since I had not talked in so long. A few hours had been enough.  
  
His hands became fists as he lightly pounded them on the bed to make my body jump a bit under the impact. His eyes closed slightly as if he were in pain. "Don't worry me like that, Shuichi!"  
  
My eyes widened a bit at all the affection in his voice and his actions. "I...I didn't mean to," I could barely say unable to react the way I had wanted.  
  
I wanted to hold him. Touch his cheek...anything!  
But it felt like I was so weak that I couldn't even do that.  
  
The air...he wanted to ask me something.  
  
He opened his eyes again, and cupped my right cheek as he smiled at me. Leaning forward, he kissed my forehead without anything to say.   
  
As he was pulling away, he whispered finally to my ear, "I'm never a match for my brother, am I, Shuichi?"  
  
That's when my eyes opened even wider as I stared at him looking at me with a face that showed a slight defeat.  
  
I had betrayed you, haven't I?  
  
At that moment, as if to torture me, the next door neighbor's radio loudly played a L'arc en ciel song...  
  
And Hyde sang as if to mock me, "Forbidden lover...ah, forbidden lover..."  
  
--  
Author's note: Ooh! Next part very interesting...  
you can prolly guess what I was listening to right? I love you Hyde!!!   
*goes back to schoolwork and Seishirou* 


	8. Ch 8

Disclaimer: None of these bishounen are mine. They're by the wonderful Murakami Maki-sensei. If I had a choice, it'd be Ryuichi...  
  
Infatuation  
by Miyamoto Yui  
  
Chapter 8 - Need me...  
  
Tatsuha had gotten up and sighed as I looked at him walk out the door and into the kitchen. But, he wasn't there for long as he put on a song into the cd player.  
  
"...And it's making me sad that I may not be what I think I am..." the woman sang.   
I had learned to recognize these Shirou Sagisu songs that he loved so well. This one happened to be called, "Thanatos if I can't be yours."  
  
He had gone to the bathroom, changed and I found him in front of me again. Smiling wistfully, he got into bed next to me and turned off the light. In the darkness, I had finally understood what was so enchanting yet painful...  
I had finally comprehended why it was so much easier to move when there was no longer any light.  
  
"Tatsuha?"   
"Mm...Yes?" He was leaning to one side looking out the window before him as I placed my arm on his waist. Crouching even closer to him, I pulled him to lie flat on his back.  
And this time, I was on top of him looking down with my arms barely holding me up. The sheets showed the contours of our bodies as our eyes interlocked content upon looking at one another.  
I closed my eyes and leaned forward to kiss him on the lips. "I don't know what to say, Tatsuha..." I breathed into his ear.  
"You don't have to..." he replied as he took a bit of my hair with his right hand pulling me gently closer to hold the kiss again. "You're showing me..."  
Then, he grabbed my waist as he rolled over and once again, he was staring down at me as I began unbuttoning his pajama top. When I was done, he kissed my on the lips again.  
  
"What is it that you really want, Shuichi?" he said while tilting his head at me.  
  
Then, he started kissing my face as he made his way down my neck.   
"What do you want me to say?" I asked without even thinking.  
"I want you to make the decision," he said as he pulled my wrists over my head along with my tank top.  
  
I...I...  
  
"Tatsuha, what I want..." I began to say, "What I want is..."  
  
Silence.  
  
He looked down at me thoughtfully and patiently while waiting for my answer.  
  
"Stay with me, Tatsuha." I whispered as I suddenly pulled his face to kiss mine as if I couldn't breathe anymore.  
  
"Are you sure?" he questioned as he began to kiss my forehead and pushed my bangs from my eyes.   
Holding his sleeves, my tears came out as I cried on his chest. "Need me..." I had sobbed. "Yuki doesn't me..."  
  
"I want you to need me, Tatsuha." Holding onto him as if my life depended on it, I cried even more. "That's all. That's all I want."  
  
He closed his eyes in understanding and nodded his head at me. "I know."  
Kissing me once more on the forehead, he embraced me. "I know..."  
  
It was then that he took off his pajama top which were barely hanging on his elbows as he began to start kissing me again. But this time, in between each caress, he had whispered, "I love you."  
  
Biting my chin a bit, he had let his teeth go and devour my chest as I closed my eyes in pain still clinging onto his hands until they turned white.   
"I want you," he whispered seductively.  
  
Over my voice box, he said, "This is mine..."  
  
I jolted up in pain as he began to caress my chest with his lips making marks wherever they went while my hands grabbed the sheets next to me.  
  
Letting go of the my wrists over my head, my muscles began to tighten as he held my hips and planted kisses anywhere and in anyway he could...  
  
"Tatsuha..." I could barely say as more pain through my body while his warm body went into my own. "Ah!"  
  
Then, he pressed his body even harder against mine as I grabbed the pillows in pain.   
  
Itai yo...  
  
Everything...everything hurts...  
My heart is broken...and you're trying to pick up the pieces...  
  
  
I then clung onto his shoulders as he really showed me how much I meant to him...  
How much he loved me...  
  
I could really say that...  
  
When he was finished, he looked down at me and leaned closer while whispering to my ear, "I need you."  
Kissing my sweaty forehead, he wrapped his arms on my waist and nestled his nose onto my hair so that he couldn't see me.  
  
But I know he could feel my hands clinging onto his hands never wanting to let go.  
These warm hands...  
  
I didn't want to let go.  
Ever.  
  
  
Was that so wrong?  
  
  
Something inside me said yes...  
  
--  
Author's note: --;;; Uh...well...I'm out of my slump now! ^^v  
But everything's going to take a while...five fanfics at the same time and 4 of them are Clamp-related... 


	9. Ch 9

disclaimer: Maki Murakami owns Gravi.  
  
Infatuation  
by Miyamoto Yui  
  
  
Chapter 9 - Absolutely.  
  
When I opened my eyes, I turned over to face Tatsuha. He was still hugging me, but I pushed his bangs out of his face so that I could look closely at him.  
He who had said to me, "I need you."  
  
I wanted to clench Yuki's shirt at that moment and shout in his face, "See?! See this is what you can't understand!"  
  
But that was just a childish outburst on my part. I couldn't help but want to cry and so when I was going to get out of the bed, Tatsuha pulled me closer to him. Whispering in my ear, he said, "What are you crying about now, Shuichi?"  
  
I opened my eyes a bit wide. How did he know?  
"I'm, I'm not crying," I said in protest.  
  
"Yes, you are." He held me tighter. "Whenever you cry, I can feel it."  
  
I held him tighter with nothing to say.  
  
  
When we walked over to the studio, everyone was surprised to see me there. Hiro took my shoulder and brought me into an open room.  
"You should be getting rest, Shuichi," he said with full of concern.  
"I'm fine." I then went to the window and pressed my hands on the windowpane.  
He came over and placed his hand over my shoulders. "Liar."  
Then, he began to embrace my shoulders warmly from behind. "If there's anything, just tell me, Shuichi."  
  
He began to sigh. "What are you hiding, Shuichi? Is this something that you can't even tell me?"  
  
"It's not that Hiro..." I stared at the city outside below us.  
  
"Everyone's so worried about you," he whispered. "And I can't keep up looking like I'm not, Shuichi."  
  
I leaned back on Hiro and began to feel at ease. If...if only I had fallen in love with this person...  
Everything would have been fine, ne?  
  
  
Hiro...who always loves me despite everything...  
  
  
  
Silence.  
  
"I...am living with Tatsuha right now." I finally let out. If I didn't let it out and even to Hiro, what kind of person am I? Hiro of all people to hold things from!  
  
"Oh." Hiro didn't let go of his grip, but nor did he scold me. He stayed there still hugging me looking out the window with me. "Do you like being with him?"  
  
I blinked my eyes and nodded.  
  
Everything felt like it was in slow motion; and I couldn't help but think that it was because I was prolonging everything.  
  
"Then, what's wrong? Yuki?" he whispered with an even lower tone.  
  
That's when all my emotions began to flow up to the surface and I was so confused that I pushed Hiro away from me. I stepped back with my hands on my head and my eyes closed. "I don't know! I don't know what's wrong!"  
  
I opened my eyes to myself blurry-eyed. "All I know is that even though I love Tatsuha, there is something wrong with it! A guilt that is in my heart! And it won't go away!  
It isn't about Yuki anymore...it's about me!"  
  
Shaking as he walked closer to me, I shouted with my hands clenched while looking Hiro straight in the eye, "I...I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY!!!"  
  
That's when I finally broke down as he placed his arms around my quivering body like a bird that didn't know how to sing or leave its nest.  
At that moment, the television that had been on all this time, pushed itself to the foreground and we finally heard it.  
  
Out of the corner of my ear, I heard, "And here's our special guest today, Yuki Eiri."  
I stopped crying to see Yuki's face come onto the screen.  
  
"You're smile...is off..." I mumbled to myself knowing that it made no sense to me.  
  
As if in a trance, I walked over to the television and knelt by it. I found myself touching the screen in front of me as if I were trying to reach out for his cheek.  
  
Trying to still touch that Yuki that seemed so far away from me...  
  
Still in a trance, he adjusted the mike stand as he held it with both of his hands. He fixed his blue shirt, which was only holding on by one button. And his usual black slacks hugged his waist just as well as they did with Sakuma-san's.  
Yuki closed his eyes and opened them with a determination in his eyes.  
  
"Isn't this a special treat today?" said the announcer with a smile. "Today, Yuki Eiri will sing the song he made for his latest book called, 'Absolutely'."  
  
Yuki winked at the camera and tapped his foot. Then, he whispered to the microphone, "I watched you too many times, didn't I?"  
  
My hand still touched the screen and I couldn't hear anything but Yuki, as if he were singing to me...  
  
  
"(whisper) When the wind moves  
a new air has come,  
have I lost you forever?  
I hope not,  
but it may be otherwise...  
  
In this silence,  
this barrier that seems to break us apart  
what is it that you seek from me?  
I can give nothing.  
But that isn't the case.  
I lied  
when I said I didn't care.  
When you performed on stage,  
I saw the passion that had faded from me,  
the drive to live without my living corpse  
and when I thought I lost everything,  
there were you were  
standing in front of me.  
  
And this is the me sleeping inside of you  
in this silence  
you don't understand  
how much I really need you.  
I don't say anything,  
but can you hear   
how much I love you?  
  
(whisper) I don't know   
how to show you  
I can't smile when I don't know how.  
But what is it that you want?  
I've tried to keep myself  
from becoming weak  
only to hurt you  
by doing so, pretending  
to be strong.  
  
And what is it am I afraid of?  
This force that   
Maybe you'll leave me someday  
before I get to do anything?  
That I'd bared my heart to you  
and you'll step all over it,  
betray me like someone  
I once knew?  
  
  
Ashita silence  
Is this the life I've been living  
I think I can look strong,  
but when you're away-  
Don't you ever understand what   
I can't say to you?  
Too many words, too many feelings,  
all contained within my mind  
and my heart...  
and I can't even express them to you.  
  
where do we go from here?  
I hope that you'll stay beside me...  
  
  
despite the silence...  
between...  
  
You and Me."  
  
  
Here was yet another surprise from Yuki...  
  
  
I stared at the television in absolute silence. I couldn't utter a word.  
  
But before he ended the song, I found myself sitting on the ground like a lump. I couldn't hear anything around me anymore.  
  
  
All my hurt had made me numb.  
  
I was like a doll looking outside of myself. As Tears fell from the sides of my face, I couldn't feel anything anymore.  
I didn't know if I had been slapped or was this the sign that I had been waiting for all this time.  
  
  
I sat there not knowing anything...  
  
  
Nothing at all...  
  
--  
Author's note: Damn! *frustrated* I thought Killing Me Softly was hard, but this is so much harder! ;_; At least we're getting to the end! Maybe 2-4 chapters to go?? *sighs*  
  
Ashita - tomorrow 


	10. Ch 10

disclaimer: Gravitation is creation by Maki Murakami-sama.  
  
Chapter 10 - Suki dakara. (Because I love you.)  
  
But in my listlessness, I felt an anger towards Yuki. And my body shook hard from this frustration...  
  
...until I found myself running to the studio to find where Yuki was. He had only been recording the show downstairs and I knew where he was.  
  
I barged into his dressing room and banged the door behind me as it closed just as hard. With all the hurt and mixed emotions emerging as fast as my heart beat like I could die at that moment, I stomped over to stand in front of him.   
  
"Hisashiburi." He said to me with that conniving smile of his that you couldn't tell his feelings in a single look.  
  
What was he trying to hide from me?  
  
And then I shouted with all my love, sweat, and tears, "Why?! Why do you always do this?!"  
  
Banging on his chest, I shook my head with my eyes closed tightly not really knowing where we were going. "Why, Yuki?! DOUSHITE?! OSHIETE KURE YO!!!!"  
  
It was at that moment that Yuki held me in a firm embrace. He shook his head and whispered, "Shuichi..."  
  
I opened my eyes immediately to look up and find Yuki with tears in his eyes.  
"Yuki?"  
  
I...I...  
  
"Baka!!" He shouted with as much endearment as I could hear. He then pushed me away and held my shoulders while looking me straight in the eye. "You ask so many questions!! Why do you always need an explanation?!"  
  
"No..." I answered hesitantly.   
  
"You want me to say why then? Why did I just pour my hear out for a book release?" He laughed as he let go of me. Then, he looked at me intensely with that determined passion as if he would kill with a mere touch.  
  
At this, I was a bit afraid.  
  
"Why did you leave me?!" he said with an even intensified red in his eyes mixed in with hurt.  
  
And this got me just as an energetic as I shouted, "Because you never told me to come back! You sent your brother to get me?! What the hell was that?!  
  
Yuki then stepped forward. He again held my shoulders with hands shaking in frustration.   
  
But it was warm...and it was gentle...  
Trying to hold onto me as if he couldn't stand on his own anymore.  
  
"I couldn't do it...because I didn't want you to see me." He down looked at me softly as he   
tilted his head with a wistful face. "You didn't see me when you came back for your things."  
  
I didn't say anything.  
  
'What was it you didn't want me to see, Yuki?' I said with my eyes.  
  
"Don't you really listen to me, Shuichi? I can't say these kinds of things so well."  
  
Then, he shook me gently back and forth and shouted, "Because I LOVE YOU, SHUICHI!!! ISN'T IT OBVIOUS TO YOU NOW?!"  
  
At that moment, all the resolve drained from him as he slipped down to his knees and hugged my waist.  
  
And he began to cry as the tears began to soak my shirt.   
  
"Because really I love you," he repeated again between sobbing with a squeak in his voice...  
  
--  
Author's note: All right!!!! After six months! I know what the hell is going to happen!!!!!  
  
doushite - why  
oshiete kure yo - (please) tell me! 


	11. Ch 11

Disclaimer: Gravitation is not mine, but I'm a fellow fangirl of Ryuichi x Tatsuha.  
  
Infatuation  
by Miyamoto Yui  
  
Chapter 11 - Whatever you choose.  
  
  
"I..." I was at a loss for words even though there were many things running through my brain.  
  
And so, I fell silent.  
  
Everything was swimming inside of me, but I couldn't hold onto everything. And in the end, I couldn't even hold onto anything.  
  
I never thought I meant anything significant to you.   
So many people had a key to your apartment and I thought...  
I was just someone in passing that happened to be so in love you that you wouldn't care if I left you someday.  
  
But...  
to see this...  
  
To see someone like you break down for me, Yuki...  
  
Doki, doki.  
  
I held his head as he continued to cry silently. To think that I made him cry this way. We always make each other cry...  
  
Then softly, I sang, "Do you love me? Like I love you-"  
  
  
Knock, knock.  
  
"Is everything all right in there?" A voice said. Probably one of the crew.  
"Yes!" I called back.  
  
But the door opened anyway and there was Tatsuha walking calmly through it. He closed the door behind him as Yuki instantly got up and wiped his tears, but not in the sight of his brother.  
"Let's go home, Shuichi," Tatsuha said with no jealously or malice. Not even disapppointment.  
  
My heartbeat faster and faster.  
  
"I'll draw the line here." Yuki looked up at Tatsuha. "I'll bring him home."  
  
Silence.   
  
All I could do was stand in the middle and watch.  
  
Then, everything crumbled with...  
  
"Yeah, I think I was the one to ask you to bring Shuichi home." Yuki tried to hold his anger, but his words were just as venomous. "And you brought him back all right."  
  
"Yuki Ni-chan." Tatsuha then lowered his voice. "If I returned him to you, he would have cried again."  
  
"And what makes you so perfect?!" Yuki ran towards him and started to pound on him.   
  
"Stop, Yuki!" I shouted, but it was all in vain.  
  
"Just because you say yes to whatever father says, this makes you right?! Because you're still bitter that the girls that you liked always came to me?! Tell me what drive you to the point of taking my most important person away from me?! OSHIENASAI, TATSUHA!!!"  
  
Tatsuha punched Yuki back and held him to the ground. "Is that how you really think of me, Ni-chan?! If he was your most important person, the you should have done it yourself!!!"  
  
Punch, punch, punch...  
  
Both of them fell to the ground huffing and puffing for air. Yuki wiped the blood away from his lips as Tatsuha looked at the cuts on his fingers.  
  
I went over to Yuki and kneeled to him as I softly whispered, "Thank you, Yuki."   
Pushing him away from me carefully, I tilted my head and smiled wistfully. "I'm sorry I made you cry. But I think I need more time to think. It isn't about you anymore. I have to find what makes me happy...and who."  
  
Blinking my eyes, I added, "I have to find out if I really love you, Yuki. Or have we been living a lie?"  
  
At that moment, he got up. And I tippy-toed to pull his shoulders so that I could kiss his forehead.   
Then, we looked at each other with nothing to say.  
  
I pulled Tatsuha up and we both walked out the door.  
  
I wanted to say sorry to both of them. But...I knew it shouldn't be me. Not anymore.  
  
--  
  
Two days later...  
  
"Bye, Shu!" I said to Tatsuha as he ran past me while waving goodbye. He then closed the door behind him.  
  
I cleaned the bedroom and then sat on the couch. As I huddled to one corner, I bit the end of the pencil and looked at the lines of college-ruled paper in front of me. I had again to make new lyrics.  
Since we had released the new album, but I had gone to the emergency room, I was instructed to stay at home as much as possible. Seguchi-san's orders.  
But to keep in schedule, I was to make a new song. Hiro gave me the melody yesterday and as I listened to it on the mini-disc player, I bobbed my head.  
  
Knock, knock.  
  
"I wonder who it is." I asked myself as I got up to answer the door.  
  
On the other side of the door stood Yuki's and Tatsuha's father. He bowed his head and said, "Good morning."  
"G-good morning, Sir." I greeted with a bow as I instructed him to sit on the couch. He put up his hand and so his bodyguard stood outside as I closed the door.  
"Would you like something to drink?" I asked politely.  
"No thank you."  
I then sat opposite of him as my heart beat faster and faster in my chest. I almost thought that it was going to just jump out.  
"I'm sorry, but Tatsuha-kun isn't here right now."  
He shook his head and smiled. "No, actually, I came here to talk to you."  
"Oh?"  
He sighed. "I know you're a good kid, Shindou-san. But I must come here as a concerned father looking out for his children..."  
  
Their father then explained that since Yuki had rejected being a monk, the only one left was Tatsuha. And as much as Tatsuha may want to reject it, it was his family duty to carry on their temple in Kyoto.  
They needed an heir.  
If it weren't for that...then maybe he wouldn't be so bothered about this situation.  
  
Then, he brought out the newspaper articles. "I don't believe any of this because I know you and my two sons, but..."  
He brought out an envelope from his small sack. "I asked someone to take care of Tatsuha and Yuki. He brought me back these pictures yesterday."  
At that moment, he held my shoulders, "Tatsuha may not tell you this, but he's always been a good boy, despite his...*ahem* obsession with Sakuma Ryuichi, but anyway. He probably doesn't tell you that he's been harrassed by people or the media. It isn't anyone's fault, but this isn't the kind of life he is used to.   
Despite his liking for synthesized music and Nittle Grasper, he's used to a quiet environment.  
As for Yuki... Yuki will always do his own thing. Whether or not I tell him to do something, he will always make his own choice in the end. It was hard to accept at first. But sometimes, I think it is for the best."  
  
I looked at the pictures and looked up at Uesugi-san. "I..."  
  
I never thought about that.  
That I would change Tatsuha's life when I entered this threshold. And Yuki...well, we knew what everything entailed by now...so I hadn't... * sigh *  
  
I bowed my head. "I'm sorry."  
  
That's all I could say.  
  
He patted my head and shook his head. "No. It isn't anyone's fault."  
Then, he got up and walked towards the door. But before he turned the knob, he placed his hands on my shoulders. "If you only knew how much Yuki loves you..."  
  
My eyes tried not to betray my utter surprise.  
  
Then, he smiled and said, "But whatever and whomever you choose. It will be for the best.  
You'll find your answer, Shindou-san. Whatever you are looking for in this life."  
Clearing his throat, he concluded, "Oh, and please don't tell any of them that I came, okay?"  
  
I nodded with nothing else to say but, "Thank you very much."  
  
Leaving me with my jaw hanging, he closed the door behind him. And I stood there looking at the door as his voice repeated in my head,   
  
"If you only knew how much Yuki loves you, Shuichi-kun..."  
  
--  
Author's note: Almost there...almost. Just need to bind everything and make it strong as it was in the beginning... 


	12. Ch 12

Disclaimer: Gravi's not mine...and you know what should go here.  
  
Infatuation   
by Miyamoto Yui  
  
Chapter 12 - Asking god for advice.  
  
For the rest of the day, I had looked at Tatsuha's smiling face as we tried to make dinner together. I acted as if nothing had happened and went back to making lyrics as he did his meditations in the bedroom while studying his school books.  
  
The next day, I came into the concert stage early and put on the mic in the middle of the stage. I stood there singing along to the song I had just made. It took a whole two months, but I was finally done.  
  
When I had finished, I closed my eyes and sighed.  
  
Clap, clap, clap!  
  
"Shuichi-kun~!" the voice in the crowd said. "That was a cool song!"  
  
I looked down the stage to find Ryuichi-san waving like crazy to me.   
  
He ran up to me and we both greeted each other with much genkiness while jumping up and down with Kumagorou sitting on his head. "Ohayou!"  
  
"Ohayou!"  
  
But then, Ryuichi patted Kumagorou's paw on my cheek. "Daijoubu desu ka?"  
  
I looked at him and shook my head. "Ryuichi-san, can I talk to you?"  
"Sure, what?" He just sat there on the floor.  
And I followed.  
  
Hey, what better person to ask than god himself, right?  
  
(Insert Author's victory sign here along with a happy smirk.)  
  
"Ryuichi, I have to ask you a serious question."  
  
He nodded his head and took down Kumagorou from his head and threw it to my lap. "For courage, of course. If you feel like it's hard to say something, say it to him."  
  
I nodded my head. I took a deep breath. "Well...how do I put this?"  
  
He just listened attentively.  
  
"I've been giving this much thought, but I'm still confused. At first it came as a question as to if Yuki loved me and then it switched to if I really love him. Then, I answered my own question with another one of, 'Can't he need me?' I went to Tatsuha and it made things more complicated. All these emotions and thoughts came crashing allthemore inside of me. And it didn't help that Yuki shouted at me how much he loved me and he didn't look like himself." I sighed and continued, "And all I really know by now are: 1) I just want to be happy and 2) I'm going out of my mind if I don't find an answer soon."  
  
Ryuichi got up and looked out to the empty seats below us. "When I sing, I'm trying to find that emotion that I want to find in life. I can't find it anywhere else, but when I sing. I can't describe it, but it's there."  
  
Then, he sat back down. Ryuichi placed one hand on his chin and the other on his knee. "But what do you really want, Shuichi-kun?"  
  
Silence.  
  
"I want to be needed." I finally said with my eyes lowered to the ground.   
  
Then, I clenched my hands and stood up with my tears dropping onto the stage.   
  
I knew the answer all along...  
Hidden so far away in my heart.  
  
"By Yuki..." I whispered. "Yuki dake da..."  
  
Ryuichi got up and placed his hands on my shoulders. Then, he picked up my chin and smiled. "If you already knew, why did you ask me, Shuichi-san?"   
  
He laughed to himself as he nervously stood up once more. Without looking at me, he said, "It's just like the way I feel for Tatsuha-kun..."  
  
"Ryuichi-san..." I mumbled quietly.  
  
Dokidokidoki...  
  
Ryuichi then turned around and smiled. "What are you waiting around for? We've got to practice for tonight."  
  
And off he went...  
With Kumagorou still in my lap.  
  
  
--  
  
Author's note: Oh...I know I'm awful now... ^_~  
  
Yuki dake da. - (by) only Yuki. 


	13. Ch 13

Disclaimer: Gravitation is by the wonderful Murakami-sensei, and so I hold no rights to it. Only a deep liking.  
  
Infatuation  
by Miyamoto Yui  
  
  
Chapter 13 - Chaos.  
  
"Thank you everyone for coming!" I shouted to the microphone. And it boomed out of the speaker. "And in thanks, we'd like to sing to you our new song!"  
  
"YEA!!!!!!!"  
  
I smiled at Fujisaki-san and Hiro. We all nodded as the tempo built up.  
  
"Are you READY?!" I shouted.   
  
"YEA!!!!!!!!!!!" The crowd started to go just as crazy.  
  
"And here's Ryuichi from Nittle Grasper to sing with me!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"YYYYEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!"   
  
I then shouted, "We give you...Infatuation!!!"   
  
  
Ryuichi-san and I tapped to the beat and then sang,  
  
  
"My tired heart has had it fill of sadness,  
And I don't think I can drink any more blood.  
And when this day came,  
I thought I was going to die...  
  
Don't know why  
I wilingly take all the pain.  
Don't know why  
I love you so much it hurts!  
  
This isn't Infatuation.  
Just say that you need me.  
You think it's too much  
then tell me and I'll stop,  
That is Infatuation.  
Tell me that you want me  
And I won't ask for anything else.  
I promise.  
  
  
There are too many lovers,  
You can say 'I love you' to anybody,  
but when I said it to you,  
I knew it was different.  
Thought it was the same my way.  
  
Don't know what  
love is really, but I'm understanding.  
Don't know how  
to show it without being too passionate.  
  
Infatuation  
is when your heart doesn't stop beating   
so fast that you think you won't survive.  
Want to be with you always, no that's not it.  
Infatuation  
isn't the kind of idea I want,  
that is just a feeling.  
I want the real thing.  
  
(whisper) You think I ask too much  
Then just push me away...  
I don't want just your heart  
I don't want just your mind,  
I don't want just your soul.  
  
I want everything.  
  
  
  
This isn't Infatuation.  
Just say that you need me.  
You think it's too much  
then tell me and I'll stop,  
That is Infatuation.  
Tell me that you want me  
And I won't ask for anything else.  
I promise.  
  
Shuichi:  
Infatuation (it's just an intense concept)  
  
Ryuichi:  
is when your heart doesn't stop (an illusion in the least)  
  
Shuichi:  
beating so fast that you think you'd die, (that's if I lose you)  
  
Ryuichi:  
Infatuation (It's just a frame of mind)  
  
Shuichi:  
isn't the kind of love I want, (it's just fake)  
  
Ryuichi:  
that is just a feeling. (I don't want a part.)  
  
Shuichi:  
I want the real thing. (I want all of you.)  
  
I opened my eyes and smiled with much satisfaction. Looking at Ryuichi, we both nodded our heads.  
  
"That's all for today. Domo Arigatou!!!!!!"  
  
"AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
  
I sang my heart out...Inside out...  
  
  
At that moment, the stage started to shake. Something had fallen and the crowd was in chaos. The people were out of control and started to run towards us.  
  
Before I knew what was happening, I saw Tatsuha run towards me, but Yuki grabbed my waist as we ran away.  
  
A stagelight fell as we turned the corner.  
And from the corner of my eye, I saw Tatsuha holding Ryuichi and running in the opposite direction...  
  
--  
Author's note: Okay. Two more chapters to go. Promise! 


	14. Ch 14

Disclaimer: Gravitation was brought to you by the talented Murakami-sama. So, nothing's mine but the [attempted] poetry in motion...  
  
  
Chapter 14 - Anata dake. (Only you.)  
  
I turned my head and Yuki ran towards my dressing room. Locking the door behind him, we both sighed in relief.   
  
As he had carried me and seeing Tatsuha running, I just closed my eyes as if it were a bad dream and let Yuki carry me all the way here.  
  
Everything went by in a blink that I couldn't believe it happened in less than five minutes and counting.  
  
"You can open your eyes now." Huff, huff.  
  
"Yuki..." I mumbled.  
  
He held me closer to his body. "Are you okay? Did you get hurt?"  
  
"No, I'm fine." Though I thought at this time I was going to put down, he protested. And so, he continued to still carry me. "What about the others? What happened?"  
  
"Tatsuha got Ryuichi-san and the others ran wherever they could." He sighed. "What happened? Earthquake and so the stage light fell."  
  
My concerned voice asked almost in desperation, "Was anyone hurt?  
  
"No," he firmly said.  
  
I sighed in relief again. "Good."  
  
Phew! That's good...  
  
I then looked up at Yuki and finally smiled. "Yuki?"  
  
"Yeah?" He looked down at me and tilted his head.   
  
"This is enough." I snuggled against him as he sat on a chair. "You don't have to show me anymore..."  
  
"Ah." he said though he tried not to smirk happily.  
  
It may have not made any sense to anyone else, but we knew what it meant.  
  
I now realized that it wasn't all the caresses or the kisses he'd give me. He didn't have to tell me I love you to my face anymore.  
  
I pulled the book titled 'Absolutely' from the tabletop and then hit him on the head with it. "You dummy! Why did you have to make me cry?! Why couldn't you have just told me that you were making a book about the two of us?!"  
  
"OW!" he said while rubbing his head. "It was a surprise! It was supposed to be released on the first day we met, but someone made me miss the deadline!"  
  
Blinking my eyes, I wondered. Then, I turned bright red as I remembered _exactly_ why. "Oh...well...that."  
  
I then turned chibi and chewed on his shirt while looking up to his blue eyes.   
  
I love you, Yuki...  
Only you.  
  
--  
Author's note: *sighs* Though I want to put more. I don't think it's necessary anymore. Sweet and concise, ne? 


	15. Ch 15 final part 1

Disclaimer: Gravitation = not yui's. Gravitation = Maki Murakami-sensei. Luna Sea and Zetsuai/Koji aren't mine either. Only the song 'Infatuation' is mine (as with all other 'songs' in my Gravi fanfics ^_^).  
  
Infatuation  
  
by Miyamoto Yui  
  
Chapter 15 - My own happiness.   
  
[Conclusion]  
  
When the whole mess was finished, everyone went hope safe and sound. Thankfully, there was no one hurt after the all the commotion.  
  
As for Tatsuha and I, we went all the way back to the hotel room in silence.  
  
We knew what had happened and what was going to happen.  
  
If this didn't happen, I know I would have stayed with him forever...  
  
But I'll never tell that Yuki. It's a secret too painful and deep to say.  
  
I took Tatsuha to the bedroom and closed the door behind us. Even if there was no one else there, it still felt like the door should be shut.  
  
What was here should always be kept among these four walls.  
  
"Tatsuha?" I finally broke the silence as I drew the curtain to look out the window.  
  
He smiled wistfully and held me as we looked down to the lights shining below us.   
  
"I know," he whispered.  
  
"It's not that I picked you over your brother..." I sighed and stopped. Then I started as I held his arms wrapped around my shoulders tighter, "If it weren't for this, I know I would have-"  
  
Tatsuha put his finger on my lips and shook his head. "I know it's not."   
  
He then answered, "When it really came to a crisis, we chose who we'd protect. Ni-chan chose you. Not Touma-san or anyone else. He had only one person in mind. And I knew that. And it's not that I don't love you...but I ran instinctively to Ryuichi."  
  
If...if you could have seen Ryuichi's face when you took his hand, Tatsuha...  
  
With this, we held each other in silence. It didn't need to be said at all from then on.  
  
We cared so much for one another...  
  
Very intense, ne? To think that you could find someone who understood you and everything...and to find that...  
  
...in the end, there was someone whom we cared for even greater than that.  
  
With this last thought, I smiled at him and wrapped my arms Tatsuha's neck. "Thank you...for everything."  
  
I then kissed his cheek and packed all my stuff to leave.  
  
"Do you think I should leave poor defenseless Ryuichi-san here with you?" I said to Tatsuha with a wink. "You might wear the poor guy out."  
  
"Don't worry, I won't." He blushed and looked every which way. "It might be the other way around!"  
  
Just as he said that, Yuki was at the door. They looked at each other and hesitantly smiled. Yuki cleared his throat and was about to say sorry when Tatsuha put his hand up.  
  
"You'd think I'd let _you_ say sorry, Ni-chan?" Tatsuha laughed. "I didn't mean anything-"  
  
"Nor I." Yuki answered back in an interruption.  
  
Then, Yuki patted his shoulder and smirked. I smiled at that.  
  
When we were going to leave, Yuki said, "Yo! Tatsuha."  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Ahem. Tou-chan asked that you had to take care of him." Yuki opened the door.   
  
There was Ryuichi-san in the doorway with Kumagorou and his luggage. "Mind if I stay here with you?"  
  
Tatsuha, who was standing there next to me like a deer caught by the headlights, stood there frozen with eyes blinking as if he couldn't figure out if he had been dreaming.  
  
"If you mind, I'll leave." Ryuichi said.  
  
"My room is yours?" he immediately said as he gulped while pulling Ryuichi to the living room.  
  
Yuki smirked and whispered, "That's how _I_ say sorry."  
  
Tatsuha pointed at him and said to Ryuichi, "Please stay here one second."  
  
I went over to Ryuichi. He tilted his head and smiled. "Thanks."  
  
"For what?" I asked.  
  
With a meaningful smile, Ryuichi-san said, "You knew how much I like him...That's why you-"  
  
I shook my head. "He chose you. He'll always choose you."  
  
Then, we heard a loud "THANKS, NI-CHAN!"  
  
Ryuichi and I looked at each other and laughed. I nudged him and winked while nodding to him, "You're only defense is to _not_ sing. If you do...well, you'll find out. Bye!"  
  
--  
  
As Yuki and I entered our apartment, Yuki closed the door behind us.   
  
Turning around, I said, "Tadaimasu."  
  
"Okaeri."  
  
Yuki then again was going to sit in his office. He sat in his chair.  
  
"Going to do work again?" I complained as I put my stuff down and walked over to him. "I just got here!"  
  
He then pushed his laptop to the side and grabbed my waist and placed me carefully on the desk in front of him. "Yeah, I'm going to do a _lot_ of work."  
  
My eyebrow went up with a slight smile on my lips. "Oh, is that so?"  
  
Yuki then kissed me so passionately that I gasped for air. "I-I can't breathe."  
  
"Kiss me until I can't breathe," he began to sing a little.  
  
I pushed him a bit so that I could look at him. "Have you been listening to my Luna Sea cds?"   
  
"You can learn a _lot_ from Sugizo, I've learned," he answered with a sly smirk. Then, he blinked his eyes in innocence. "And Koji Nanjo's performance on 'Katuai'?"  
  
"Well, we'll see if you'll past the test for these lessons of yours," I answered back just as playfully.  
  
At that, we resumed kissing as he pulled my shirt to come down to my shoulders. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and kissed just as hard back.  
  
Then, I he began to search every inch of my body until he had consumed all of me.   
  
"Kono ai ga todokanai  
  
Aisenai..." he sang as he brought his hands softly up and down the contours of my body and settled them on my waist.  
  
My muscles tightened up and I grabbed him as he picked me up to transfer the bedroom. Then, as he placed his body over mine.  
  
He whispered to my ear,   
  
"You think I ask too much  
  
Then just push me away...  
  
I don't want just your heart  
  
I don't want just your mind,  
  
I don't want just your soul.  
  
I want everything."  
  
Then, at last, he whispered, "I need you."  
  
-- 


	16. Ch 15 final part 2

The next day, I went back just as energetic to get on with the next recordings for our new album. I handed over my lyrics for them to look at and nodded as they said, "Wow you got this done quickly this time."  
  
They looked at each other. Then, they looked at Yuki in the doorway who was scratching his head with a slight blush. And he looked every other way except theirs.  
  
"Yu~ki needs me," I was singing in my head. "Yuukiii~ needs me..."  
  
"We can hear you," Sakano, K, and the rest said.  
  
"Ehehehe." I laughed.  
  
(part 2 continued)  
  
"Hiro smiled at me and hit my head with the usual, "Don't worry me like that, you idiot."  
  
I turned once again into a chibi and jumped into his arms, "Ah, you know you love me."  
  
Hiro cleared his throat as he sweated. "Just sing your songs."  
  
He never could resist me. No, no. I know he just can't. * chu *  
  
Hiro then started to play around with his guitar.  
  
I ran to Yuki and kissed him on the lips before entering the recording booth while winking, "Just for good luck."  
  
And we started to record, "Infatuation":  
  
[I look at Hiro.]  
  
My tired heart has had it fill of sadness,  
  
and I don't think I can drink any more blood.  
  
And when this day came,  
  
I thought I was going to die...  
  
[Closing my eyes, I think of Ryuichi.]  
  
Don't know why  
  
Taking all the pain and swallowing.  
  
Don't know why  
  
I love you so much it hurts!  
  
This isn't Infatuation.  
  
Just say that you need me.  
  
You think it's too much  
  
then tell me and I'll stop,  
  
That is Infatuation.  
  
Tell me that you want me  
  
And I won't ask for anything else.  
  
I promise.  
  
[I think of Tatsuha...]  
  
There are too many lovers,  
  
You can say 'I love you' to anybody,  
  
but when I said it to you,  
  
I knew it was different.  
  
Thought it was the same my way.  
  
Don't know what  
  
love is really, but I'm understanding.  
  
Don't know how  
  
to show it without being too passionate.  
  
Infatuation  
  
is when your heart doesn't stop beating   
  
so fast that you think you won't survive.  
  
Want to be with you always, no that's not it.  
  
Infatuation  
  
isn't the kind of idea I want,  
  
that is just a feeling.  
  
I want the real thing.  
  
[Looking directly at Yuki...]  
  
(whisper) You think I ask too much  
  
Then just push me away...  
  
I don't want just your heart  
  
I don't want just your mind,  
  
I don't want just your soul.  
  
I want everything.  
  
[Closing my eyes, I sing as if pouring my heart out...]  
  
This isn't Infatuation.  
  
Just say that you need me.  
  
You think it's too much  
  
then tell me and I'll stop,  
  
That is Infatuation.  
  
Tell me that you want me  
  
And I won't ask for anything else.  
  
I promise.  
  
Infatuation (it's just an intense concept)  
  
is when your heart doesn't stop (an illusion in the least)  
  
beating so fast that you think you'd die, (that's if I lose you)  
  
Infatuation (It's just a frame of mind)  
  
isn't the kind of love I want, (it's just fake)  
  
that is just a feeling. (I don't want a part.)  
  
I want the real thing. (I want all of you.)  
  
Then, I added in a low and seductive whisper in the end, "Show me."  
  
Nodding my head with my eyes closed as if to cry, I smiled confidently to myself.   
  
"This is my own happiness," I whispered to myself.  
  
Opening my eyes, I felt the intensity of it all. My body feels tired, but it can still go on. The sweat drips down my face. My heart is pounding inside of chest...  
  
I now understand Ryuichi-san...this feeling you spoke of...  
  
--  
  
Author's notes:Notes for fanfic:  
  
Progress.  
  
Is this enough? Said it wasn't at the beginning.  
  
I want Shuichi to consciously choose. diff from need and want where hiro tells him to  
  
Notes to myself:  
  
Why did you want to make this fanfic in the first place? I wanted to make a deeper bond for Shuichi and Yuki so that I can finally accept that it should be them together. Not Hiro and Shu. I guess this is just one of those fics that I just wanted to answer my own questions since that's what I usually do.  
  
I think I think too much. *blink, blink*  
  
I want to find a reason why Yuki loves Shuichi. Something even deeper than in my Need and Want fic. But I didn't want the same thing happening. And if it did, I wanted it even more plausible, yet even more heart-wrenching. For how can Yuki live with Shuichi and all that he is if there wasn't something stronger than the boy's genkiness, ne?  
  
I wanted Yuki and shuichi to be together ever since I thought of this fic, btw. I cannot deviate too much from the set pairing. But I'll root for Hiro!!  
  
But just as much, I need Tatsuha to be just as convincing. ^_^ I'm glad I was able to confuse people as well as myself in this.   
  
In other words, now you can see why I had such a hard time to do this. I imagined for about six months to countless possibilities about how to execute everything as well as deliver it with as much an emotional impact as I wanted. I hope I did. I really hope I did. I cried when I made 'When you blink' because I said to myself, 'Blink. Blinking is such a simple thing to do, how about making something from that?'  
  
Also, where have you read about a Tatsuha and Shuichi relationship that seemed plausible? Even when I made this, I was like, "What the hell am I doing? You're making more work for yourself than you should."  
  
But as with all my fanfics, I love them individually. You could tell me what title and I'll still be able to tell you the whole story even if I made it years ago.  
  
I am only able to make them indistinguishable to myself because even if I reuse a feeling, an emotion, or a situation, I want to give a new light or angle to it. And therefore in that alone, I've put a little difference in them, slight as it may be.  
  
Sorry to bother you with my 'end of the series' analysis, but thank you again for reading. As I said to one reader, "I've been writing original stories since 1996 and fanfics since 1998." What I didn't say was that I didn't even understand my own style until 2001. And stories didn't click well for me and fanfics until 'Unexpectedly', my fourth Ranma fanfic in 1999.   
  
Thank you for reading! 


End file.
